The Dream That Kept Me Hoping

For me, the moments kept me going because I bought into the dream.

I bought into the image of what we were creating together.

The way we talked about our future.

The family we planned.

The life we imagined we would build together.

The love between us felt so intense, so vibrant, and so exciting.

Until it wasn’t.

As long as I kept believing in the version of them I had fallen in love with, everything felt possible.

I believed I had found the best thing that had ever happened to me.

I was pregnant four times.

Those were often the seasons when kindness returned.

I felt protected.

I felt cherished.

I felt like we were finally becoming the family we had dreamed about.

Those were the times I felt loved.

The times I felt respected.

The times I felt cared for.

When you have that many good memories, you stop asking whether the relationship is healthy.

You start asking how to get back to the parts that felt like home.

Not because the painful moments aren’t real.

But because the beautiful ones are.

Then something began to change.

The illusion slowly lifted.

Reality became harder and harder to dismiss.

The grip tightened.

The painful moments happened more often.

Every time I reached the point where I was finally ready to leave, something sweet would happen.

Just enough to convince me we were finding our way back.

Something enduring.

Something that reminded me of the dream we had built together.

And just like that, I was pulled right back into it.

Not because I forgot what had happened.

Because I still believed in what we had imagined together.

There was something else, too.

I didn’t want to hurt somebody.

I was already hurting.

Why would I want to hurt another person?

Looking back now, I understand that what kept me there wasn’t just love.

It was hope.

Hope isn’t built during the painful moments.

It’s built during the beautiful ones.

Every promise.

Every plan.

Every glimpse of the future you thought you were building together.

I wasn’t staying because I couldn’t see the pain.

I stayed because I couldn’t stop believing in the dream.

And sometimes, letting go of the dream is even harder than letting go of the person.

— Tawnia Lives