Can we stop telling people who are struggling with mistreatment, “but at least it shows you care”?

This isn’t supportive—it’s harmful, dismissive, and dangerously close to excusing abuse. When someone minimizes controlling, demeaning, or hurtful behavior under the banner of “care,” it twists pain into something that should be tolerated instead of challenged.

Care is not manipulation. Care is not intimidation. Care is not disrespect dressed up as concern.

Healthy care feels safe. It honors boundaries, respects autonomy, and nurtures dignity. If it strips away self-worth or makes someone question their right to peace, it’s not care—it’s control.

We need to stop excusing mistreatment with phrases that silence people and keep them tied to harmful relationships. Instead, let’s choose language that validates their experience, honors their pain, and reminds them they deserve more than survival—they deserve safety, love, and respect.

Tawnia Lives